Dear tonsil-hockey players: Time out
Keep public affections G-rated, get freaky in private, secluded area
For those of you that have found your perfect companion, whether for right now or forever, congratulations are in order. It seems to get more difficult for two people to agree to settle together for more than a millisecond in our fast-paced society. Way to go dude.
But before you go and celebrate, be sure to close the door. I’m happy you found someone that makes your ohh and ahh, but please keep those bedroom noises in the bedroom.
Maybe it sounds exciting to get it on in the library or maybe you want to share your love, but trust me, if anyone wanted a piece of your love, they would answer your personal ad.
It might sound a little middle-schoolish, but playing touncil hockey in front of complete strangers should be a one-way ticket to the principal’s office. Launching a full on run to third base in front of innocent bystanders should be a direct foul.
We’ve reached the age when we can be comfortable with our sexualities and feel relaxed with our significant others. Finally kissing isn’t something to be ashamed of, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be shared with everyone.
I don’t need to see you grope Mr. Perfect in a coffeehouse. Coffee beans and PDA don’t mix very well, and if you want to spice up your love life, do it in your own kitchen.
Somehow, though, chances are the public is either far too aware you two can’t get enough of each other or completely oblivious to the fact that you’re anything more than friends. It seems like more and more couples are sticking to the hands off always approach. Maybe one little touch makes you want to jump all over him or maybe you’re embarrassed to be “taken,” but at some point people have to know your “For Sale” sign has been taken out of the window.
There is nothing wrong with a little peck on the cheek, or the lips. It won’t gross anyone out to see a happy couple show excitement to see each other. We won’t put you on trial if he puts his arm around your waist or you innocently rest your head on his shoulder. If you’re too uncomfortable to show a little affection to someone you love, maybe you need to rethink the way you really feel about that special someone.
If you can’t draw the line between too much PDA and none at all, let’s just say ff you wouldn’t do it in front of your parents, don’t do it in front of a third, fourth or five-hundreth party.
Keep in mind, when the Russell House decides to hold open auditions for the next porno, it will probably be well advertised and largely protested.
(Originally written 10.26.2006)